In the grim dark
watches of last Saturday night, unable to sleep, in pain and bored
out of my brain I idly searched the U tube archives in search of
something interesting to watch,what I found may well have scared me
for life.
God help me! I fell
foul of a dreadful epic in eight parts entitled “The Cleopatra s”
, made in 1983 and missed by me entirely when it was first aired, as I
had a new baby at the time and was embroiled with nappies,bottles and
sleepless nights. Would that I had remained in blissful ignorance of
this atrocity for it is without any doubt the most ghastly T.V drama
I have ever watched, and believe me I've seen some rubbish!
The plot line follows
the fortunes of the many Cleopatra s, their reigns, their marriages,
the numerous matricides, patricides , fratricides and regicides they
committed during their life times, along with other tortures and
treacheries too numerous to mention here.
I had my doubts about
the production from the moment it began, why, I wondered(and I still
do) was the title music of the Scottish folk variety when the subject
matter was Ancient Egypt? In spite of this the cast list was a role
call of actors from such august establishments as the R.S.C so I
quelled my unease and continued to watch.
What followed was so
compellingly awful and at times unintentionally hilarious that I
watched all eight episodes, I have seen more dramatic Corn flake
commercials!
Richard Griffiths, one
of our finest actors, recently deceased and much missed manfully
ploughed his way through some truly atrocious dialogue, even his
undoubted professionalism was not sufficient to disguise his
disbelief at some of the lines he was expected to deliver with a
straight face.
He was aided and
abetted by such brilliant actors as Robert Hardy who did a creditable
job of giving Julius Caesar, in spite of being hampered by some
desperately camp performances from the likes of Graham Crowden and a
veritable host of peculiar wigs and false beards, the historical
accuracy of which left much to be desired!
Indeed many of the
men's “syrups ” Looked as if they had been borrowed from the
English Civil War series “By The Sword Divided”, I kid you not.
As for The Cleopatra s
themselves what with all the girlie chat with their hand maidens
“incidentally Charmian and Iras had the kind of accents which would
have been more at home on the set of “East Enders”) and the
constant stuffing of their faces with grapes, dates, melons and God
knows what else a less Majestic bunch of chavs would be difficult to
imagine.
Most of the real action
took place “off” as it were so that such events as The battle of
Actium, were not seen and most of the murders were only heard, blood
curdling screams and groans peppered the dialogue like lead shot in a
pheasants backside. Severed heads appeared often and from time to
time a strange jingle, which sounded exactly like the arrival of an
Ice Cream Van was played to signify ….some thing or other! I could
continue for several pages with similar comments but that would place
me in danger of becoming repetitive.
Now I can hear you
asking “Why did I not switch off” ? The answer is I just don't
know. Throughout that awful night one direful episode after another
kept me engrossed, perhaps in the forlorn hope that it might improve
and by the time I realised that this was not about to happen it was
too late...I was hooked!This series was so bad that it made “The
Tudors”appear learned! In spite of this I advise you give it a try.
You will be amazed at the cast list as I was and if I admired their
talent before I certainly take my hat off to them all for managing,
without cracking up completely to deliver what must be some of the
worst dialogue in the history of British Broadcasting, so that if the
BBC lasts for a thousand years, men will still say ,this was there
darkest hour! I expect many of them would be appalled to know that
their hours of shame were still being aired. Evidently it was not
buried deep enough, and it's mummified corpse still haunts the poor
souls who placed their credibility as actors in jeopardy by appearing
in it, not to mention poor unsuspecting victims such as
myself......you have been warned!
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